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My random rant blogsite:
a lil something like...

Musings:
Love
Life
Letters

I am Kace, and I don't think it matters.

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I give up

We met.

I had my right hand extended, waiting for you to shake it. You stared at it for so long, hesitant for reasons not known. Maybe my hand was dirty, maybe yours was regal. Maybe you just didn’t want to, or maybe you refused to know who I am.

You stared at it for a little bit more and I waited.

You stared at it for a little bit and a little bit… until I lost every ounce of the very little patience I had. There was no hand for mine to shake so I just stared at you for the last time.

You never gave me a chance.

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Trailers

I am sitting, watching each trailer the cinema chooses to show. Everything seems lovely, thrilling, and divine, it makes me want to eagerly see them all. So here I am… longing, and silently whispering to myself, “I want that, I want that” as I wait for the movie to begin. 

I have been sitting alone for so long, watching each trailer of the movies I wish to see. Movies that are just like life, showcased in many different genres. And while I watch trailers of other people’s lives — some of them romantic, I whisper to myself, “I want that, I want that” as I wait for mine to begin.

Then, there is yours. It isn’t as exciting as what others have, but it is mysteriously good. And as I watch yours over and over, it becomes more than just lovely, thrilling, and divine. So I am sitting here, watching and whispering, “I want that, I want you”, silently wishing ours would begin.

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Walang kwenta

Hindi fair eh… maraming tao na literal gumuguho ang mundo ngayon at lahat ng rason sa mundo para magalit sa buhay, nasa kanila na. Wala naman akong ganun. Wala akong problemang pino-problema… yun yung problema ko. Wala akong karapatan malungkot dahil walang nakakalungkot.

Hindi naman ako humihiling na magka-cancer ako, o mamatay isa-isa ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. Ayokong masunugan ng bahay, o randomly mabaril sa kalsada pero di naman napuruhan… Kaya lang, wala akong rason para mawalan ng gana sa buhay kaya ako walang gana. Kaya ako nalulungkot…

Ang nakakainis kasi, hindi naman requirement ang problema para maging malungkot… Minsan, talagang yun lang ang mood na available. Wala lang talagang laman… wala lang mahanap na lalim. At dahil wala akong maibigay na rason, hindi ko ma-justify yung kalungkutan ko kaya mas lalong nagiging malungkot.

Sa totoo lang, kapag hindi ganito ang mood ko… tinatawanan ko yung ganitong klase ng mood. Natatawa ako sa tuwing nababasa ko ulit yung mga ganito… pero wala eh… ito ang mood ko ngayon. Gusto ko lang isulat, dahil parang wala namang tamang gawin. Nakatunganga. Nakatitig sa kung saan habang mabilis na gumagana yung utak. Nonstop. Kahit may kumakausap sakin, walang gana sumagot yung bibig ko, pero yung utak ko, nobela na ang nasabi kahit walang nakakarinig.

Walang tama. Walang kwenta. Walang gana.

At least, sa pagsusulat kong ‘to, may tatawanan ako sa susunod na araw, pag nawala na ‘tong mood na ganito.

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Mixer

Sa isang simpleng gathering kita unang nakita… Nagmamadali ako umalis non dahil may iba pa kong lakad. Pero gustong gusto ko pabagalin ang oras dahil hindi sapat ang ka-kaunting minuto para magnakaw ng tingin sayo. Ilang beses ka binalikan ng mga mata ko, parang naninigurado na nandyan ka nga talaga.

Uminom ako ng dalawang baso ng red wine bago kita nalapitan. Isang shakehands lang, tapos hello at bye. Nainis ako sa sarili ko dahil kung wala sana akong ibang lakad, sana nakapag-stay pa ko.

Ang ganda ng presensya mo sa paningin ko. Kahit gaano kalakas ang ulan sa tanghali, parang nagkakaroon ng rainbow pag dumadaan ka na. Nakakatawa yung dating mo sakin, para kang dark coffee… nagpa-palpitate ako sayo.

Tapos ayun, naging kaibigan ka ng mga kaibigan ko, at lumabas tayo ng ilang beses. Tama yung unang nakita ng mata ko — yung tipo ng mukha mo ang gusto ko makita paggising ko. Ginusto kita, pero hanggang dun lang yun. Gusto lang naman kita eh. Buti na lang hanggang gusto lang.

Ngayon, meron ulit gathering tulad nung una kita nakita… at ngayon ang huling araw mo. Uminom ako ng isang lata ng redhorse saka ka nilapitan. Isang shakehands, tapos hello at bye. Ending ng kahibangan ko.

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Waiting for forever

You were never that near, but every single time you decide to walk farther away, I can feel your hands around my throat. In every step, it is as if you’re squeezing my neck tighter and tighter.

I don’t want you to go, but it is tougher when you’re close, because then, I would not be able to blame distance for not being able to touch you.

So go. I will wait for forever.

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Rammasun

Like a storm surge, you wipe me out completely.

The loud howl of your wind bringing moans piercing in my ears is worsened by your deafening thunders commanding me to give up; to succumb to your power and strength that’s underscored in every blinding lightning striking mid-air.

You are strong — one I am fearful to face, like a deadly tornado building rapidly in sight. And even if you choose to be calmer at times, almost not felt — your mere presence, knowing that you are there makes me nervous.

But against all these odds, I still want your rains to fall, because your absence makes me numb to the comforts and discomforts of sunny days. I do not mind sharing your troubles. You make a lot of people nervous and numb, but you seem not to care. You just thoughtlessly show your face of dark clouds in the sky, grinning at every dreadful heads looking up to you.

You give me a lot of reasons to hate you. You give me pain, but pain that I’m willing to suffer from. The scent of the moisture you bring, like the smell of fresh cut grass, gives me feelings my vocabulary cannot describe. Your heavy rainfall hinders me from doing a lot of things, worries me, stops me from thinking of anything else but you. And after moving over water, you landfall in the most unlikely area, flooding the entirety of my body, heart, and mind.

But just like any other storms, you would leave, never to come back. I will be left alone to pick up the pieces you destroyed, questioning every reason why I survived.

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She and the Raindrops

Today at the park, I saw a little girl seated at a swing set alone. That was the first time I saw her.

There were many other kids playing with each other, having fun like they should be. But she chose to be by herself as I watch her from afar. She would constantly look up in the sky, as if she’s awaiting answers only heaven could provide.

It’s been half an hour. There was sweet abandon daubed in her face, and the heavens desired to blend. The sun hid, and the dark clouds took over the skies. Again, the little girl looked up and stared astonished. While all the other kids, dripping with sweat, ran away to avoid the coming rain, she stood up untouched with a face that’s wet from small raindrops.

For once, I saw her smile as if the rain was the answer to what she was awaiting heaven to provide. She danced in the rain. Her face that was once a picture of sweet abandon was washed away into innocence. I knew she was happy.

I walked home with questions in my head. As to why she waits for the rain is unclear to me, but that doesn’t really matter. Some kids may hate or fear it, but she chose not to. What others fear was her source of happiness.

When I reached home, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I saw the little girl the second time.

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You left again…

When you closed that door, I knew there’s no point in waiting for you to come back. That moment, I knew there’s no you and I. I am abandoned. The room that’s full of beautiful memories of sleepless nights and long talks is suddenly alienated. The colours of rainbow desaturated into grey. I sat in one corner alone, looking at my silhouette reflected on the window, wishing I could pretend that my fate hasn’t damaged me yet. The damages I see in my half-bruised body, some of which are painted on my neck sending flashbacks of your passionate kisses.

One night, you showed up in front of me and caught my eyes as we stare. When I saw the shimmer in your eyes, I swore it was love. That was one moment that I knew you are everything I never allowed myself to love. That time, I set aside my fears except for one; that you would feel the fear I set aside.

But how perverse can it be that before I could touch your chest with mine, I figured, it’s another one of my illusions? That one night wasn’t real, and you only appeared in my dream which felt so real.

So I found myself again seated in one corner alone, looking at my silhouette reflected on the window, wishing I would dream about you again as I force myself to sleep. The music has faded, as the rest of the world’s volume turned down. Slowly, I closed my eyes. I wouldn’t mind dreaming a million times more, and I wouldn’t mind not waking up anymore.

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Don’t pull away

the night is dark
the music played
we stood still
we’re both afraid
but this is all we got
this timing we barely had
now is all I ask
don’t pull away, don’t pull away
as we dream tonight

come closer, come here
look me in the eye
is it not clear
that this is not a lie
don’t pull away
not soon, not now
now is the day
our bodies allow
dear, your sweet smile
and your eyes that glow
the tender snuggles, the hands in chest
the hands so eager to undress
I can get drunk in the taste of your tongue
I’ll drown in you, I’ll be forever young

your soft little voice that makes me high
telling me to push my hand against your thigh
no, don’t stop
don’t pull away, you’re mine tonight

push your lips against mine
as I travel through your soul
the passion in every gasp
thrilled to reach the hole
We are entwined
I am enthralled
your pounding breath
caresses my neck
the power in our fingertips
stroking each others lips
hypnotic are your screams
that echo in my ears
don’t pull away, don’t pull away
just erase all fears

the night is so dark
that we even barely see
the next day the dogs will bark
will we remember how we’re free?
I love you
yes I do
I love you, that’s what I feel
a love that’s true but can’t be real

tonight is all we got
the timing that once we had
none secures, but it’ll be fine
so don’t pull away, for once, you’re mine.

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Don’t do it gently

If only I know a million words,
To tell you how much I long and care,
I would not wait for evening birds,
To sing you songs of my despair.

I lay in ruins of my deceit,
While you’re enjoying my defeat.
Helpless, I’m locked up in your fence,
Nothing about us ever made sense.

I tried to think of truth one day,
Refused to take these endless lies,
Managed to leave this sham soiree,
But drowned with fears of sad goodbyes.

My words are now engraved in gold,
The words that once were never told.
Words that say ‘I’m in love with you’,
Are words about rejection too.

So tell me ‘sorry’ and take a bow,
I’ll pack my bag and leave you freely.
If you’re gonna break my heart right now,
Do it, but please don’t do it gently.

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Weeds

Like an orchid hanging in a small and empty room, with no water to absorb, and no fresh air to breathe, I am left alone. The seedlings you planted but refused to watch to grow; once, they bloom into beautiful flowering plants, but now they struggle to be alive. The greenhouse is gone. And all that’s left is weed that you only see when getting high seems like a need.

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Estranged

Running my fingers as my hand reaches yours
Thrilled while we listen to ‘Touch Me’ by ‘The Doors’
Spending time with you makes my heart beat like magic
Maybe you exist to correct all things tragic

But one night seems odd, something aint right
I got up in bed gently as I shook in fright
I asked you what’s wrong but you just kept quiet
As you subtly wiped those tears on your blanket

And so the seasons changed, this time it’s foggy
It’s inevitable for some days to be a bit gloomy
so the rain still pours and the sky isn’t blue
Why the rainbow wont appear, no one has a clue

Under nightfall for days, it seems lifelong
And then in your life, someone came along
I was thrown like a trash, I wasn’t worth a coin
I couldn’t get up, I got kicked in the groin

Looking back, I run my fingers in my head
Thinking about the times I woke up in your bed
Why was I fooled by someone cruel and strange
How come we love and suddenly be estranged?

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Vause in Jail

I’ll steal your heart; If I could, I would
But I failed to do what I think I should
Rebelled against my soul, I’d stay
Tricked by the things you do or say

Ashamed with whatever we had that’s myth
Everything was make-believe to begin with
Move forward, move on from this big mistake
There’s no point in waiting, our time’s at stake

So this is how the story will end
No more foolishness and play pretend
Or maybe I’ll just kill to end this tale
Hoping to find my Alex Vause in Jail

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Bullshit

This is what I don’t understand

I guess, this is how it works for me.

The sadness I feel fuels my engine to write about things I’m unable to tell you. And this is what I want to tell you…

I hate you.
I hate how you make me hopeful by the things you say to me and take them back as if everything could be back to normal with one undo. I hate how I love to be hurt when someone surrounds you. I hate how I rejoice in pain when it seems like to you, I don’t matter. Even if I am just someone who passes by, I still delight in your presence. I hate how you show up  for one day, and disappear whenever you wish. I hate it all the more how I still wait for you to show up, even if I know that you’ll disappear yet again. And I hate how even if I am ignored by you many times over, I still can’t hate you because I don’t have you.

I want you.
I want to touch your hair and feel its smoothness in my hand. I want to look into your eyes for a bit long because I’ve never looked at you for more than a second. I am scared of the sight of you looking away telling me that I’m unseen. I want to wrap you in my arms and feel the warmth of your body which I deeply long for. I want to breathe the air you breathe, and feel the same breeze amidst the same smog. I want to listen to you when you’re not even speaking, and hear what only I could hear. I want my lips to gently touch yours and ignore the world for at least once.

I love you.
I love how I feel like bullshit to you. I love how I remember completely the look on your face when you’re smiling even if I know that I’m not the reason behind it. I love how I tell myself that I won’t like you and end up liking you more. I love the bullshits you write and the bullshits you say, no matter how wickedly bullshit these are to me. I love how you’ve given me too many bullshits for me not to fall in love. But I already am in love with you, I love your bullshits anyhow.

I hate how I want to tell you that I love you… and I hate that I can’t.

I am still waiting for the day that I don’t hate myself for not telling you so because I did.

But at the moment, I’ll just write hoping one day I am read.

I guess this is how it will work for me. And this is the bullshit I won’t understand.

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Stone-cold

So I heard you are leaving
You’ve made up your mind
Alone now I am grieving
There’s no one to find

All the dreams I have of you and me
Boathouse by the river, and the sea
One by one, they shatter and break
Gone is your silhouette by the lake

Seated by the fire, empty and stone-cold
The darkest secret that was never told
Written on paper that’s burnt to ashes
Seeing the light and yet the heart bruises

I want to hold you for one last time
But I’m imprisoned, love is a crime
I can’t escape this life so twisted
I guess I lose, it’s death I battled



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