But this is a different story. This is Samar and Leyte.
This is where people greeted and helped us with directions just after stepping out of the airport, instead of the usual haggling for scams.
This is where my current facebook cover photo was taken where I can wake up, not take a bath and still feel embraced.
This is where we were children again. Played with random kids while amused by the cleanliness and serenity of the bay.
This is where we opened bottles of Tanduay Ice using stones and rocks just because we had nothing for breakfast… and it was insanely good.
This is where we had a boat ride and a cave tour for free, with assistance from three really nice guys: Kuya Jason (resort’s helper), Kuya chef (resort’s chef), and Kuya Manager (resort owner’s son). That was very memorable, one of us even almost fell in love :)
This is where we had unlimited buko because kuya Jason was so generous and enthusiastic to climb the coconut tree for us.
This is where we stayed in a hotel room with a stranger, whom became our second mother for a night.
This is where I got really pissed off and hated everyone I see, and later on laughed out loud because there was nothing else I can do.
This is where we met a modern day Samaritan who toured us in Tacloban and Palo just after we asked for directions. Yes, kuya Rizal was just jogging in Tacloban City Hall when we approached him to ask for directions. He did not only offered to take us to our destination, but he also toured us to the Capitol, MacArthur landing memorial, historical shrines and museums, public parks, and shopping malls.
This is where I forgot the world. This is where I had the Samar feeling. The feeling that only that Samar-Leyte trip can explain. I didn’t have this kind of feeling in any other places I visited. There is something about Samar and Leyte that made it to the deepest part of my heart.
These are some of the many reasons why seeing all these devastations in Samar and Leyte breaks my heart to pieces. None of the people I met are reachable at the moment and I sincerely pray that all of them were able to make it, and will be able to move forward and start again.
The people of Tacloban were the most friendly and helpful. They are easy to be trusted so stop calling them thieves because they are not. They are just desperate to survive because help is too slow to come. All the destruction, chaos, and stupid politics are hard to bear already. Stop tormenting them.
These people were so special to me. Samar and Leyte will always be special to me. I ask everyone to do whatever they can to help in whatever way possible. I am begging.
And to the government which is mostly proud of Filipino’s resilience—shut up and get your act together! It’s about time the country itself becomes resilient and not just the people.
I guess it’s safe to say that you don’t know me, and you probably never will.
And I can honestly say that I don’t know you. I wish I do. I want to know you. I want to hear the deepest set goals of your heart, and be there with you while you achieve it. I want to feel your pain every moment I catch your eyes in sorrow. I want to laugh with you, and see you smile first thing in the morning. I want to be the reason why you’re happy. I want to know what you’re afraid of, and be with you while you fear, find courage in me, with me. I want to spend my days with you and travel the world while I hold your hand. I will not demand anything from you unless your eyes beg for it. I want you. And I want you to want me too.
But that seems impossible. You don’t know me. You only see me in my dreams, in the pictures I paint in my mind. The pictures of you and me that whenever I see, I can’t help but hope that one day it will work out between us. You know, I wish I could tell you every word my heart is longing for you to hear. I guess I am that fearful. I am so afraid of you. I am so scared to lose you when I don’t even have you. Maybe one day, I will. But until then, I will wait no matter how long it’ll take just to know that I will have you… if I will have you.
For now, you don’t see me, and I have to live with it even if I am in love with you.
Every word you chose to say Axes my heart in two Every line that caused you pain grieves me even if untrue.
Doesn’t matter how long it’s been, or if dusk has shifted to dawn. I sense you deep down my skin even if all your angst has gone.
Ten or more years have passed, yet your misery lingers on me. When I thought your world has crushed, I realized it’s treating you fairly.
My tears unite with your distress, your passion unearthed your beauty. Whatever caused you emptiness; It captured my heart so quickly.
Your poetry is all I have; enough to see your shadow. Is it possible to fall in love the moment I felt your sorrow?
• Video Post
STRUCK: A short film about Love at First Sight
This film is not about love at first sight.
This is about staying in love with the person you just broke up with.
He fell in love with the girl represented by the “love at first sight” scene.
The arrow represents the pain of breaking up.
Notice how it seemed like he was hurt at first, it was the initial pain of breaking up. Yet, at some point, the arrow seemed not to hurt him anymore, so he continued to live his life. Still, his broken-heartedness—represented by the arrow, stayed with him all the time—at his workplace, at the shop, at the beach…
He can’t stop thinking about the person he just broke up with. Hence, the flashback of the girl when he had “love at first sight”. See how gloomy the eating scene was. It represents depression. So his friend gave him numbers of girls he could date to sort of move on.
Now, look how different these girls are. The first girl is someone who seems perfect, but you just don’t have the connection. The second girl is someone who doesn’t like commitments, the third girl is someone who looks at your physical appearance, and the fourth girl is obviously the brainless bitch.
At one point, he decided not to chase love or find love elsewhere. This is represented when he declined the last picture his friend was giving him.
And just when he was about moving on, he met the girl again. The girl who managed to hurt him is the same girl who can take the arrow or the pain out of his system.
Therefore, this is not about love at first sight. Not about meeting the person the first time and kissing. Not about lust. This is about second chances (well at least to me).
What about the cupid? It just means someone is in charge :)
• Video Post
Gone Goodbye: A short film
This is how I think:
The world is crowded enough to find my own space. I couldn’t fit in. I am not happy and I could not lie to myself anymore that one day this sadness will pass.
Like a balloon, I am drifting. My mind has left my body. And my emotions ran away from me, I couldn’t chase it.
I found myself in a deserted place, alone. And at one point, I managed to smile. I think this is where I’ll find my happiness. I couldn’t be in the world anymore.
Like a balloon, I want to fly away, be drifted to a place elsewhere. Something is holding me back though, as if someone is controlling my strings.
But then I exploded. I gave up. I am dead to this world before I noticed the larger picture—an even deadlier world. I had been lost alone, and there’s no turning back.
Let me hide her identity and just call her Susannah.
Why? I don’t know. Besides being the main character in a book I just finished reading, it is also the first name that came to my mind. No. It was the third, but the first two didn’t sound right.
So there she was, walking in the corridors looking so smart — as always.
She is really smart, I confess. Her level of intellect is that of a person who can make you feel inferior with just a simple ‘hey’.
She’s not the kind of person you can easily be friends with, but sure, if you try to get to know her better, she is someone you can easily fall in love with.
To be honest, it is hard to explain why. She’s not the kind of girls in movies that boys love. She does not care much about her appearance, at least from my point-of-view. She does not hide behind her makeup and the ‘look-at-me-hairstyle’. She is low profile, underrated. Yet, I see something in her that makes her so interesting.
That interesting thing about her is not for me to tell — that by the way is my alibi for not knowing what it actually is. She is just really interesting.
I watch her as she walks down the stairs, wishing she trips a little so I can pretend to be her superhero for a moment. I catch her while she eats; analyzing her inner being by the food I see on her tray. I observe how she talks, trying to read her lips from afar. I examine her expressions, and swallow with her the pain and anger while she excessively uses her hands, with eyes widened, and eyebrows furrowed.
At one point she would talk to me; casual, of course. Yet, I would delight in those small talks for days… or weeks.
I always think of her, until finally, I fell in love. Not only with her, but with everything she does.
We got closer, and closer… close friends, that is. And as much as the friendship grows, it is as much as her telling me all about the guy she’s dying for.
Each word she has about him digs a hole in my heart. And the more I discover about her feelings for him, the more the hole gets bigger inside of me. It is painful; I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell her.
Susannah aint me, and there is this man I love. He tells me everything, including the one above.
It is painful; I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell him.
You’ve been haunting me for days since the night you appeared in my dream. It was supposed to be really nothing, but the dream was so real. I saw you in your complete form, I heard your voice too clearly, and I absolutely, entirely felt your presence. It was really you. It was very you, and it is sick. I gradually woke up, little by little realizing that it was not real. Little by little trying to accept that indeed, you’re just an amazing creation of my subconscious mind. And at one point finally, I understood the entirety of the false hope of having you back.
Do I really want you back? Did I even ever have you? No.
But, I felt you in my damn heart — again. All the feelings I had for you that I thought I had overly forgotten just reappeared too abruptly. It is as if it was just there all along, but maybe I was trying to ignore it. Or maybe because I thought it’s not about you anymore. You were the last one.
And, what about you?
You’ve been making me happy for the past months. And just like before, you know nothing about this. This is where I’m good at — secretly admiring a person without realizing that I am actually gradually falling in love.
Love? I might not be there with you, yet. But I think of you for more than half of my day, everyday. I like you too much that I am starting to see myself with you, and forcefully believing the beautiful lies my mind creates. Thinking about these fake memories of us brings pleasure to my semi-non existent life. I will still see your face if I go blind, even if to you, I am invisible. You make me wonder, what is it about you?
You showed up in front of me today, and I was looking at you so intently — observing how you talk, how you blink, and how you breathe, but I didn’t get the feeling I used to have when I was so deeply obsessed with you. The last one appeared in my dream, and for two nights in a row, I am kept wide awake until dawn. This is driving me insane. The feeling of trying to move on over and over again from someone I never really had. Never will have.
There is a story I am in, wonders I’ve never seen Happiness on my fingertips; nothing is worth for keeps Insurgence I wanted, romance I distorted Desired to chase down grief; a body off the cliff
The world plays with me; this time I can see Now my life has an alternate ending; it is with you that’s worth spending
There is a story you are in, wonders you’ve always seen Sadness lingers in your soul; a being that’s never whole You found your way out, from someone’s life that’s burnt out You run and hide but wept, at least your own you kept
The world plays with you; the terrors you can subdue Now your life has an alternate ending; it is with me that’s worth spending
There is a story we are in, wonders left unseen Blankness in both our heads; love that’s tangled in threads A body off the cliff, another soaked in grief To run, to hide, to weep; nothing left to keep
The world plays with us; lives are back to an empty canvas Now our love has an alternate ending; together, life’s worth spending
This story that we are in, tossed our love within Sadness, happiness, and blankness; lives are full of emptiness Then this fantasy gave us hope; a chance to at last elope The story changed its chapter, will there be a happy ever after?
Now the world plays with our story; a chance that’s given barely So if our love has an alternate ending, would we be together and marry?
May mga araw na sobrang busy ko sa pagiisip na ayaw ko nang magisip. Kakaisip ko na ayoko, napapaisip ako lalo. Hindi ko mapigilan, kahit gusto ko nang mawala yung naiisip ko na yun. Wala ako maintindihan.
Nakakaloka dahil isip ako ng isip kahit na ni minsan, hindi naman talaga to dumating sa buhay ko. Parang tanga lang, nagiisip at umaasa ng darating, babalik, kahit wala naman dapat balikan dahil wala naman talaga sinimulan.
Paano ba balikan ang hindi mo pinanggalingan?
Gusto ko tuloy na mawala na lang bigla. Hindi mawala sa mundong to, kundi yung basta na lang mag disappear kahit saglit lang. Gusto ko maligaw sa lugar na wala akong alam kung sino o ano ang mga pumapaligid sakin. Parang isang alien sa isang kakaibang mundo. Gusto ko hulihin ako ng mga tinatawag na tao, pag-aralan ako, kalikutin ang katawan, utak, at lahat ng lamang-loob ko… Baka pag nalaman nila kung sino at ano ako, malaman ko rin at maintindihan ko ang sarili ko…yun ay kung buhay pa ko.
Inabot sa akin ang salamin at tinanong ako kung ano ang nakita ko. Nahirapan ako sagutin, dahil wala akong makita. May imahe pero walang malinaw na porma. Sino nga ba ang dapat kong makita sa harap ng salamin?
Sa ganitong panahon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron bukas, di ko maiwasang itanong sa sarili ko kung ano nga ba ang plano ko. Teka. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman tatanungin ang sarili ko kung walang ibang tao ang nagtanong. Siguro, nasanay lang ako sa buhay na walang maayos na plano. Pero ngayon na magulo at nakalilito, napaisip ako, kung sino nga ba ako para bukas. E sino nga ba ang mortal na nakakaalam ng bukas?
Ngayon, nakaharap ako sa isang salamin, pero wala ako makitang reflection. Kahit anong punas, kahit gaano ko pa pakintabin, wala pa ring pagbabago. Pwede siguro na basagin ko na lang ito, baka makita ko ang sarili ko sa wasak wasak na piraso ng salaming binasag ko.
Today, I ask you how you are doing. Tomorrow you’ll ask about me. I’ll write to you, and you’ll write to me the next day.
This is how we talk. A message for you, a message for me each day. I wonder how long this will take.
I met you four years ago; we talked a lot, more than 12 hours a day.
We were friends. I loved it when I talk to you, and I guess you loved it too. I fell in love with you, but I’m sure you didn’t feel the same. I tried many times to tell you. I thought I showed you, but I guess I did it the wrong way. I waited for the right time, until that time was gone. I waited still, until the time you told me you found someone.
It’s been four years, and I waited that long before I finally got the chance to tell you. It was too late by then and I knew it.
After that time finally, we didn’t talk for four months. Until one day you said Hello.
Now, we send each other one message everyday, and I wonder how long this will take.