Every word you chose to say
Axes my heart in two
Every line that caused you pain
grieves me even if untrue.

Doesn’t matter how long it’s been,
or if dusk has shifted to dawn.
I sense you deep down my skin
even if all your angst has gone.
 
Ten or more years have passed,
yet your misery lingers on me.
When I thought your world has crushed,
I realized it’s treating you fairly.

My tears unite with your distress,
your passion unearthed your beauty.
Whatever caused you emptiness;
It captured my heart so quickly.

Your poetry is all I have;
enough to see your shadow.
Is it possible to fall in love
the moment I felt your sorrow?

She wasn’t serious when she said she loves him.

It all started when she tried using him to dig information about his friend she thought she likes. Actually, they were not even friends, they just know each other. They see each other sometimes, but when they talk (which happens rarely), it will always be about his friend. None about her, or him.

Maybe they just really didn’t like each other. They were two extremely opposite people. The only thing she liked about him was when he said he likes Florence and the Machine.

Until one day, his one hello changed the way her heart beats. It was not love at first sight, coz they’ve seen each other a lot of times, but at that particular moment, it was as if cupid was real. Cupid shot her, she felt it, and she doesn’t like it.

Since then, she wanted to know him more. She wanted to hang out with him, but he seemed uninterested. Despite him ignoring her many times over, she wouldn’t mind. She likes him—a lot, that is. What she thought of him being different completely changed. She realized they have a lot of things in common. They share the same taste in music. They share the same opinion in almost everything.

The more she knows him, the more she falls for him and everything he is and is not. She is in love with his voice, his smell, his hair, his body, his brain, his personality, even his penmanship. She loves his family, his extended family, even if she has never even ever met them. She likes how smart he is, and his sarcasm charms her. She finds him mysterious, and that excites her. She loves him, even if at first, she was trying hard to deny it.

He wasn’t serious when he said he loves her.

She is the type of girl he dislikes. The way she dresses creeps him out. When they are together, he doesn’t know what to talk about.

Music somehow brought them closer, only not close enough to talk about absolutely anything else.

She is me.

He is not you.

She is the one I wish I am not, but I am.

He is the one I wish you are, but you are not.

Disclaimer: I am not in love with a serial killer.

I had always loved watching and reading anything about serial killers and their crimes. They may seem so evil, but evil is what they do, not what they are. I guess, only to me, those are different.

Why do people kill themselves? A hard one. It is easier to understand the evolution of man, than to understand suicide. This is what fascinates me.

How people think, how mysterious a person can be.

There is something about the mysterious that mesmerizes the human interest. We tend to seek entertainment from uncertainties. Everything elusive is sexy. Mysteries are romantic.

Maybe that explains why I love you.

Let me hide her identity and just call her Susannah.

Why? I don’t know. Besides being the main character in a book I just finished reading, it is also the first name that came to my mind. No. It was the third, but the first two didn’t sound right.

____

So there she was, walking in the corridors looking so smart — as always.

She is really smart, I confess. Her level of intellect is that of a person who can make you feel inferior with just a simple ‘hey’.

She’s not the kind of person you can easily be friends with, but sure, if you try to get to know her better, she is someone you can easily fall in love with.

To be honest, it is hard to explain why. She’s not the kind of girls in movies that boys love. She does not care much about her appearance, at least from my point-of-view. She does not hide behind her makeup and the ‘look-at-me-hairstyle’. She is low profile, underrated. Yet, I see something in her that makes her so interesting.

That interesting thing about her is not for me to tell — that by the way is my alibi for not knowing what it actually is.  She is just really interesting.

I watch her as she walks down the stairs, wishing she trips a little so I can pretend to be her superhero for a moment. I catch her while she eats; analyzing her inner being by the food I see on her tray. I observe how she talks, trying to read her lips from afar. I examine her expressions, and swallow with her the pain and anger while she excessively uses her hands, with eyes widened, and eyebrows furrowed.

At one point she would talk to me; casual, of course. Yet, I would delight in those small talks for days… or weeks.

I always think of her, until finally, I fell in love. Not only with her, but with everything she does.

We got closer, and closer… close friends, that is.  And as much as the friendship grows, it is as much as her telling me all about the guy she’s dying for.

Each word she has about him digs a hole in my heart. And the more I discover about her feelings for him, the more the hole gets bigger inside of me. It is painful; I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell her.

____

Susannah aint me, and there is this man I love. He tells me everything, including the one above.

It is painful; I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell him.

Who told you, I love you,
coz I’ll never really do?
You don’t even matter to me
your existence, I never see.

Who told you, I like you,
when I disgust everything you do?
Whenever I spot your shadow,
I urge to strike you with a longbow.

Who told you, I care for you?
I worry not if you bid adieu.
You can go on with your life,
and find yourself a wife.

So who told you, I love you?
I’ll slice his head in two
coz this bitterness I feel
brings me desire to kill.

But whoever told you that I love you
pat his back, coz it is true
that even if I hide my distraught,
it is always you behind my thoughts.

I really don’t know what to write about.

________

You’ve been haunting me for days since the night you appeared in my dream. It was supposed to be really nothing, but the dream was so real. I saw you in your complete form, I heard your voice too clearly, and I absolutely, entirely felt your presence. It was really you. It was very you, and it is sick. I gradually woke up, little by little realizing that it was not real. Little by little trying to accept that indeed, you’re just an amazing creation of my subconscious mind. And at one point finally, I understood the entirety of the false hope of having you back.

Do I really want you back? Did I even ever have you? No.

But, I felt you in my damn heart — again. All the feelings I had for you that I thought I had overly forgotten just reappeared too abruptly. It is as if it was just there all along, but maybe I was trying to ignore it. Or maybe because I thought it’s not about you anymore. You were the last one.

________

And, what about you?

You’ve been making me happy for the past months. And just like before, you know nothing about this. This is where I’m good at — secretly admiring a person without realizing that I am actually gradually falling in love.

Love? I might not be there with you, yet. But I think of you for more than half of my day, everyday. I like you too much that I am starting to see myself with you, and forcefully believing the beautiful lies my mind creates. Thinking about these fake memories of us brings pleasure to my semi-non existent life. I will still see your face if I go blind, even if to you, I am invisible. You make me wonder, what is it about you?

_________

You showed up in front of me today, and I was looking at you so intently — observing how you talk, how you blink, and how you breathe, but I didn’t get the feeling I used to have when I was so deeply obsessed with you. The last one appeared in my dream, and for two nights in a row, I am kept wide awake until dawn. This is driving me insane. The feeling of trying to move on over and over again from someone I never really had. Never will have.

Neither you nor the last one.

There is a story I am in, wonders I’ve never seen
Happiness on my fingertips; nothing is worth for keeps
Insurgence I wanted, romance I distorted
Desired to chase down grief; a body off the cliff

The world plays with me; this time I can see
Now my life has an alternate ending; it is with you that’s worth spending

There is a story you are in, wonders you’ve always seen
Sadness lingers in your soul; a being that’s never whole
You found your way out, from someone’s life that’s burnt out
You run and hide but wept, at least your own you kept

The world plays with you; the terrors you can subdue
Now your life has an alternate ending; it is with me that’s worth spending

There is a story we are in, wonders left unseen
Blankness in both our heads; love that’s tangled in threads
A body off the cliff, another soaked in grief
To run, to hide, to weep; nothing left to keep

The world plays with us; lives are back to an empty canvas
Now our love has an alternate ending; together, life’s worth spending

This story that we are in, tossed our love within
Sadness, happiness, and blankness; lives are full of emptiness
Then this fantasy gave us hope; a chance to at last elope
The story changed its chapter, will there be a happy ever after?

Now the world plays with our story; a chance that’s given barely
So if our love has an alternate ending, would we be together and marry?

I almost had you.

For a moment, I thought you’ll be mine. I was happy with you and I know you felt the same way. We had a special connection, but that connection was lost.

I was almost there. We were almost there. But I got lost. I wanted to know if I am the only one. Weren’t you lost in the same ground where I was?

Then I thought that maybe we could get lost together so we can find the way out. But that couldn’t happen coz ‘almost’ didn’t happen. I am lost alone. I couldn’t find the way home.

I’ve been lost for five years, and yet… I am never looked for.

Have you ever seen the stars so bright,
And wonder why her eyes match right?

Have you ever touched her hair so soft,
And wish you could lay her down at the loft?

Have you ever effortlessly smelled the breeze,
And remember how she used to freeze?

Have you ever heeded as she speak the word,
And regret why they were left unheard?

Have you ever felt the dusk on your skin,
And question why you can still feel?

Have you ever stopped and stared one day,
And long to turn back time someday?

Have you ever woke up and thought of her,
And hope some deaths on earth defer?

May mga araw na sobrang busy ko sa pagiisip na ayaw ko nang magisip.  Kakaisip ko na ayoko, napapaisip ako lalo.  Hindi ko mapigilan, kahit gusto ko nang mawala yung naiisip ko na yun.  Wala ako maintindihan.

Nakakaloka dahil isip ako ng isip kahit na ni minsan, hindi naman talaga to dumating sa buhay ko.  Parang tanga lang, nagiisip at umaasa ng darating, babalik, kahit wala naman dapat balikan dahil wala naman talaga sinimulan.

Paano ba balikan ang hindi mo pinanggalingan? 

Gusto ko tuloy na mawala na lang bigla. Hindi mawala sa mundong to, kundi yung basta na lang mag disappear kahit saglit lang.  Gusto ko maligaw sa lugar na wala akong alam kung sino o ano ang mga pumapaligid sakin.  Parang isang alien sa isang kakaibang mundo.  Gusto ko hulihin ako ng mga tinatawag na tao, pag-aralan ako, kalikutin ang katawan, utak, at lahat ng lamang-loob ko… Baka pag nalaman nila kung sino at ano ako, malaman ko rin at maintindihan ko ang sarili ko…yun ay kung buhay pa ko.

Inabot sa akin ang salamin at tinanong ako kung ano ang nakita ko. Nahirapan ako sagutin, dahil wala akong makita. May imahe pero walang malinaw na porma. Sino nga ba ang dapat kong makita sa harap ng salamin?

Sa ganitong panahon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron bukas, di ko maiwasang itanong sa sarili ko kung ano nga ba ang plano ko. Teka. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman tatanungin ang sarili ko kung walang ibang tao ang nagtanong. Siguro, nasanay lang ako sa buhay na walang maayos na plano. Pero ngayon na magulo at nakalilito, napaisip ako, kung sino nga ba ako para bukas. E sino nga ba ang mortal na nakakaalam ng bukas?

Ngayon, nakaharap ako sa isang salamin, pero wala ako makitang reflection. Kahit anong punas, kahit gaano ko pa pakintabin, wala pa ring pagbabago. Pwede siguro na basagin ko na lang ito, baka makita ko ang sarili ko sa wasak wasak na piraso ng salaming binasag ko.

I was happy, I can hear them laughing…I opened my eyes and everything changed. I am alone in this 28th-floor penthouse. I can hear the rain….and outside that closed window, there is my life.

I opened the window, felt the wind with my wet hair covering my face. The water poured so lovely catching my lips.  The weather was perfect. It was as gloomy as my thoughts. It was singing, so I was.

It was the perfect place, the perfect time, the perfect emotions. There is my life outside that window, so I chose to chase it until the perfect last second of my life.

Today, I ask you how you are doing. Tomorrow you’ll ask about me. I’ll write to you, and you’ll write to me the next day.

This is how we talk. A message for you, a message for me each day. I wonder how long this will take.

I met you four years ago; we talked a lot, more than 12 hours a day.

We were friends. I loved it when I talk to you, and I guess you loved it too. I fell in love with you, but I’m sure you didn’t feel the same. I tried many times to tell you. I thought I showed you, but I guess I did it the wrong way. I waited for the right time, until that time was gone. I waited still, until the time you told me you found someone.

It’s been four years, and I waited that long before I finally got the chance to tell you. It was too late by then and I knew it.

After that time finally, we didn’t talk for four months. Until one day you said Hello.

Now, we send each other one message everyday, and I wonder how long this will take.