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I am Kace, and I don't think it matters.

• Text Post

Estranged

Running my fingers as my hand reaches yours
Thrilled while we listen to ‘Touch Me’ by ‘The Doors’
Spending time with you makes my heart beat like magic
Maybe you exist to correct all things tragic

But one night seems odd, something aint right
I got up in bed gently as I shook in fright
I asked you what’s wrong but you just kept quiet
As you subtly wiped those tears on your blanket

And so the seasons changed, this time it’s foggy
It’s inevitable for some days to be a bit gloomy
so the rain still pours and the sky isn’t blue
Why the rainbow wont appear, no one has a clue

Under nightfall for days, it seems lifelong
And then in your life, someone came along
I was thrown like a trash, I wasn’t worth a coin
I couldn’t get up, I got kicked in the groin

Looking back, I run my fingers in my head
Thinking about the times I woke up in your bed
Why was I fooled by someone cruel and strange
How come we love and suddenly be estranged?

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Vause in Jail

I’ll steal your heart; If I could, I would
But I failed to do what I think I should
Rebelled against my soul, I’d stay
Tricked by the things you do or say

Ashamed with whatever we had that’s myth
Everything was make-believe to begin with
Move forward, move on from this big mistake
There’s no point in waiting, our time’s at stake

So this is how the story will end
No more foolishness and play pretend
Or maybe I’ll just kill to end this tale
Hoping to find my Alex Vause in Jail

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Bullshit

This is what I don’t understand

I guess, this is how it works for me.

The sadness I feel fuels my engine to write about things I’m unable to tell you. And this is what I want to tell you…

I hate you.
I hate how you make me hopeful with the things you say to me and take them back as if everything could be back to normal with one undo. I hate how I love to be hurt when someone surrounds you. I hate how I rejoice in pain when it seems like to you, I don’t matter. Even if I am just someone who passes by, I still delight in your presence. I hate how you show up  for one day, and disappear whenever you wish. I hate it all the more how I still wait for you to show up, even if I know that you’ll disappear yet again. And I hate how even if I am ignored by you many times over, I still can’t hate you because I don’t have you.

I want you.
I want to touch your hair and feel its smoothness in my hand. I want to look into your eyes for a bit long because I’ve never looked at you for more than a second. I am scared of the sight of you looking away telling me that I’m unseen. I want to wrap you in my arms and feel the warmth of your body which I deeply long for. I want to breathe the air you breathe, and feel the same breeze amidst the same smog. I want to listen to you when you’re not even speaking, and hear what only I could hear. I want my lips to gently touch yours and ignore the world for at least once.

I love you.
I love how I feel like bullshit to you. I love how I remember completely the look on your face when you’re smiling even if I know that I’m not the reason behind it. I love how I tell myself that I won’t like you and end up liking you more. I love the bullshits you write and the bullshits you say, no matter how wickedly bullshit these are to me. I love how you’ve given me too many bullshits for me not to fall in love. But I already am in love with you, I love your bullshits anyhow.

I hate how I want to tell you that I love you… and I hate that I can’t.

I am still waiting for the day that I don’t hate myself for not telling you so because I did.

But at the moment, I’ll just write hoping one day I am read.

I guess this is how it will work for me. And this is the bullshit I won’t understand.

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Stone-cold

So I heard you are leaving
You’ve made up your mind
Alone now I am grieving
There’s no one to find

All the dreams I have of you and me
Boathouse by the river, and the sea
One by one, they shatter and break
Gone is your silhouette by the lake

Seated by the fire, empty and stone-cold
The darkest secret that was never told
Written on paper that’s burnt to ashes
Seeing the light and yet the heart bruises

I want to hold you for one last time
But I’m imprisoned, love is a crime
I can’t escape this life so twisted
I guess I lose, it’s death I battled

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I am never this affected by a disaster

But this is a different story. This is Samar and Leyte.


image

  1. This is where people greeted and helped us with directions just after stepping out of the airport, instead of the usual haggling for scams.
  2. This is where my current facebook cover photo was taken where I can wake up, not take a bath and still feel embraced.
  3. This is where we were children again. Played with random kids while amused by the cleanliness and serenity of the bay.
  4. This is where we opened bottles of Tanduay Ice using stones and rocks just because we had nothing for breakfast… and it was insanely good.
  5. This is where we had a boat ride and a cave tour for free, with assistance from three really nice guys: Kuya Jason (resort’s helper), Kuya chef (resort’s chef), and Kuya Manager (resort owner’s son). That was very memorable, one of us even almost fell in love :)
  6. This is where we had unlimited buko because kuya Jason was so generous and enthusiastic to climb the coconut tree for us.
  7. This is where we stayed in a hotel room with a stranger, whom became our second mother for a night.
  8. This is where I got really pissed off and hated everyone I see, and later on laughed out loud because there was nothing else I can do.
  9. This is where we met a modern day Samaritan who toured us in Tacloban and Palo just after we asked for directions. Yes, kuya Rizal was just jogging in Tacloban City Hall when we approached him to ask for directions. He did not only offered to take us to our destination, but he also toured us to the Capitol, MacArthur landing memorial, historical shrines and museums, public parks, and shopping malls.
  10. This is where I forgot the world. This is where I had the Samar feeling. The feeling that only that Samar-Leyte trip can explain. I didn’t have this kind of feeling in any other places I visited. There is something about Samar and Leyte that made it to the deepest part of my heart.


These are some of the many reasons why seeing all these devastations in Samar and Leyte breaks my heart to pieces. None of the people I met are reachable at the moment and I sincerely pray that all of them were able to make it, and will be able to move forward and start again.

The people of Tacloban were the most friendly and helpful. They are easy to be trusted so stop calling them thieves because they are not. They are just desperate to survive because help is too slow to come. All the destruction, chaos, and stupid politics are hard to bear already. Stop tormenting them.

These people were so special to me. Samar and Leyte will always be special to me. I ask everyone to do whatever they can to help in whatever way possible. I am begging.

And to the government which is mostly proud of Filipino’s resilience—shut up and get your act together! It’s about time the country itself becomes resilient and not just the people.

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I guess

I guess it’s safe to say that you don’t know me, and you probably never will.

And I can honestly say that I don’t know you. I wish I do. I want to know you. I want to hear the deepest set goals of your heart, and be there with you while you achieve it. I want to feel your pain every moment I catch your eyes in sorrow. I want to laugh with you, and see you smile first thing in the morning. I want to be the reason why you’re happy. I want to know what you’re afraid of, and be with you while you fear, find courage in me, with me. I want to spend my days with you and travel the world while I hold your hand. I will not demand anything from you unless your eyes beg for it. I want you. And I want you to want me too.

But that seems impossible. You don’t know me. You only see me in my dreams, in the pictures I paint in my mind. The pictures of you and me that whenever I see, I can’t help but hope that one day it will work out between us. You know, I wish I could tell you every word my heart is longing for you to hear. I guess I am that fearful. I am so afraid of you. I am so scared to lose you when I don’t even have you. Maybe one day, I will. But until then, I will wait no matter how long it’ll take just to know that I will have you… if I will have you.

For now, you don’t see me, and I have to live with it even if I am in love with you.

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Your poetry

Every word you chose to say
Axes my heart in two
Every line that caused you pain
grieves me even if untrue.

Doesn’t matter how long it’s been,
or if dusk has shifted to dawn.
I sense you deep down my skin
even if all your angst has gone.
 
Ten or more years have passed,
yet your misery lingers on me.
When I thought your world has crushed,
I realized it’s treating you fairly.

My tears unite with your distress,
your passion unearthed your beauty.
Whatever caused you emptiness;
It captured my heart so quickly.

Your poetry is all I have;
enough to see your shadow.
Is it possible to fall in love
the moment I felt your sorrow?

• Video Post

STRUCK: A short film about Love at First Sight

……………………………………….

This film is not about love at first sight.

This is about staying in love with the person you just broke up with.

………………………………………..

He fell in love with the girl represented by the “love at first sight” scene.

The arrow represents the pain of breaking up.

Notice how it seemed like he was hurt at first, it was the initial pain of breaking up. Yet, at some point, the arrow seemed not to hurt him anymore, so he continued to live his life. Still, his broken-heartedness—represented by the arrow, stayed with him all the time—at his workplace, at the shop, at the beach…

He can’t stop thinking about the person he just broke up with. Hence, the flashback of the girl when he had “love at first sight”. See how gloomy the eating scene was. It represents depression. So his friend gave him numbers of girls he could date to sort of move on.

Now, look how different these girls are. The first girl is someone who seems perfect, but you just don’t have the connection. The second girl is someone who doesn’t like commitments, the third girl is someone who looks at your physical appearance, and the fourth girl is obviously the brainless bitch.

At one point, he decided not to chase love or find love elsewhere. This is represented when he declined the last picture his friend was giving him.

And just when he was about moving on, he met the girl again. The girl who managed to hurt him is the same girl who can take the arrow or the pain out of his system.

Therefore, this is not about love at first sight. Not about meeting the person the first time and kissing. Not about lust. This is about second chances (well at least to me).


What about the cupid? It just means someone is in charge :)

• Video Post

Gone Goodbye: A short film


……………………………………

This is how I think:

……………………………………

The world is crowded enough to find my own space. I couldn’t fit in. I am not happy and I could not lie to myself anymore that one day this sadness will pass.

Like a balloon, I am drifting. My mind has left my body. And my emotions ran away from me, I couldn’t chase it.

I found myself in a deserted place, alone. And at one point, I managed to smile. I think this is where I’ll find my happiness. I couldn’t be in the world anymore.

Like a balloon, I want to fly away, be drifted to a place elsewhere. Something is holding me back though, as if someone is controlling my strings.

But then I exploded. I gave up. I am dead to this world before I noticed the larger picture—an even deadlier world. I had been lost alone, and there’s no turning back.

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I dig my own grave

Let me hide her identity and just call her Susannah.

Why? I don’t know. Besides being the main character in a book I just finished reading, it is also the first name that came to my mind. No. It was the third, but the first two didn’t sound right.

____

So there she was, walking in the corridors looking so smart — as always.

She is really smart, I confess. Her level of intellect is that of a person who can make you feel inferior with just a simple ‘hey’.

She’s not the kind of person you can easily be friends with, but sure, if you try to get to know her better, she is someone you can easily fall in love with.

To be honest, it is hard to explain why. She’s not the kind of girls in movies that boys love. She does not care much about her appearance, at least from my point-of-view. She does not hide behind her makeup and the ‘look-at-me-hairstyle’. She is low profile, underrated. Yet, I see something in her that makes her so interesting.

That interesting thing about her is not for me to tell — that by the way is my alibi for not knowing what it actually is.  She is just really interesting.

I watch her as she walks down the stairs, wishing she trips a little so I can pretend to be her superhero for a moment. I catch her while she eats; analyzing her inner being by the food I see on her tray. I observe how she talks, trying to read her lips from afar. I examine her expressions, and swallow with her the pain and anger while she excessively uses her hands, with eyes widened, and eyebrows furrowed.

At one point she would talk to me; casual, of course. Yet, I would delight in those small talks for days… or weeks.

I always think of her, until finally, I fell in love. Not only with her, but with everything she does.

We got closer, and closer… close friends, that is.  And as much as the friendship grows, it is as much as her telling me all about the guy she’s dying for.

Each word she has about him digs a hole in my heart. And the more I discover about her feelings for him, the more the hole gets bigger inside of me. It is painful; I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell her.

____

Susannah aint me, and there is this man I love. He tells me everything, including the one above.

It is painful; I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to tell him.

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Who told you that I love you?

Who told you, I love you,
coz I’ll never really do?
You don’t even matter to me
your existence, I never see.

Who told you, I like you,
when I disgust everything you do?
Whenever I spot your shadow,
I urge to strike you with a longbow.

Who told you, I care for you?
I worry not if you bid adieu.
You can go on with your life,
and find yourself a wife.

So who told you, I love you?
I’ll slice his head in two
coz this bitterness I feel
brings me desire to kill.

But whoever told you that I love you
pat his back, coz it is true
that even if I hide my distraught,
it is always you behind my thoughts.

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Neither you nor the last one

I really don’t know what to write about.

________

You’ve been haunting me for days since the night you appeared in my dream. It was supposed to be really nothing, but the dream was so real. I saw you in your complete form, I heard your voice too clearly, and I absolutely, entirely felt your presence. It was really you. It was very you, and it is sick. I gradually woke up, little by little realizing that it was not real. Little by little trying to accept that indeed, you’re just an amazing creation of my subconscious mind. And at one point finally, I understood the entirety of the false hope of having you back.

Do I really want you back? Did I even ever have you? No.

But, I felt you in my damn heart — again. All the feelings I had for you that I thought I had overly forgotten just reappeared too abruptly. It is as if it was just there all along, but maybe I was trying to ignore it. Or maybe because I thought it’s not about you anymore. You were the last one.

________

And, what about you?

You’ve been making me happy for the past months. And just like before, you know nothing about this. This is where I’m good at — secretly admiring a person without realizing that I am actually gradually falling in love.

Love? I might not be there with you, yet. But I think of you for more than half of my day, everyday. I like you too much that I am starting to see myself with you, and forcefully believing the beautiful lies my mind creates. Thinking about these fake memories of us brings pleasure to my semi-non existent life. I will still see your face if I go blind, even if to you, I am invisible. You make me wonder, what is it about you?

_________

You showed up in front of me today, and I was looking at you so intently — observing how you talk, how you blink, and how you breathe, but I didn’t get the feeling I used to have when I was so deeply obsessed with you. The last one appeared in my dream, and for two nights in a row, I am kept wide awake until dawn. This is driving me insane. The feeling of trying to move on over and over again from someone I never really had. Never will have.

Neither you nor the last one.

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Our alternate ending

There is a story I am in, wonders I’ve never seen
Happiness on my fingertips; nothing is worth for keeps
Insurgence I wanted, romance I distorted
Desired to chase down grief; a body off the cliff

The world plays with me; this time I can see
Now my life has an alternate ending; it is with you that’s worth spending

There is a story you are in, wonders you’ve always seen
Sadness lingers in your soul; a being that’s never whole
You found your way out, from someone’s life that’s burnt out
You run and hide but wept, at least your own you kept

The world plays with you; the terrors you can subdue
Now your life has an alternate ending; it is with me that’s worth spending

There is a story we are in, wonders left unseen
Blankness in both our heads; love that’s tangled in threads
A body off the cliff, another soaked in grief
To run, to hide, to weep; nothing left to keep

The world plays with us; lives are back to an empty canvas
Now our love has an alternate ending; together, life’s worth spending

This story that we are in, tossed our love within
Sadness, happiness, and blankness; lives are full of emptiness
Then this fantasy gave us hope; a chance to at last elope
The story changed its chapter, will there be a happy ever after?

Now the world plays with our story; a chance that’s given barely
So if our love has an alternate ending, would we be together and marry?

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The Lost One

I almost had you.

For a moment, I thought you’ll be mine. I was happy with you and I know you felt the same way. We had a special connection, but that connection was lost.

I was almost there. We were almost there. But I got lost. I wanted to know if I am the only one. Weren’t you lost in the same ground where I was?

Then I thought that maybe we could get lost together so we can find the way out. But that couldn’t happen coz ‘almost’ didn’t happen. I am lost alone. I couldn’t find the way home.

I’ve been lost for five years, and yet… I am never looked for.

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Deaths on earth

Have you ever seen the stars so bright,
And wonder why her eyes match right?

Have you ever touched her hair so soft,
And wish you could lay her down at the loft?

Have you ever effortlessly smelled the breeze,
And remember how she used to freeze?

Have you ever heeded as she speak the word,
And regret why they were left unheard?

Have you ever felt the dusk on your skin,
And question why you can still feel?

Have you ever stopped and stared one day,
And long to turn back time someday?

Have you ever woke up and thought of her,
And hope some deaths on earth defer?



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