The loud howl of your wind bringing moans piercing in my ears is worsened by your deafening thunders commanding me to give up; to succumb to your power and strength that’s underscored in every blinding lightning striking mid-air.
You are strong — one I am fearful to face, like a deadly tornado building rapidly in sight. And even if you choose to be calmer at times, almost not felt — your mere presence, knowing that you are there makes me nervous.
But against all these odds, I still want your rains to fall, because your absence makes me numb to the comforts and discomforts of sunny days. I do not mind sharing your troubles. You make a lot of people nervous and numb, but you seem not to care. You just thoughtlessly show your face of dark clouds in the sky, grinning at every dreadful heads looking up to you.
You give me a lot of reasons to hate you. You give me pain, but pain that I’m willing to suffer from. The scent of the moisture you bring, like the smell of fresh cut grass, gives me feelings my vocabulary cannot describe. Your heavy rainfall hinders me from doing a lot of things, worries me, stops me from thinking of anything else but you. And after moving over water, you landfall in the most unlikely area, flooding the entirety of my body, heart, and mind.
But just like any other storms, you would leave, never to come back. I will be left alone to pick up the pieces you destroyed, questioning every reason why I survived.
Today at the park, I saw a little girl seated at a swing set alone. That was the first time I saw her.
There were many other kids playing with each other, having fun like they should be. But she chose to be by herself as I watch her from afar. She would constantly look up in the sky, as if she’s awaiting answers only heaven could provide.
It’s been half an hour. There was sweet abandon daubed in her face, and the heavens desired to blend. The sun hid, and the dark clouds took over the skies. Again, the little girl looked up and stared astonished. While all the other kids, dripping with sweat, ran away to avoid the coming rain, she stood up untouched with a face that’s wet from small raindrops.
For once, I saw her smile as if the rain was the answer to what she was awaiting heaven to provide. She danced in the rain. Her face that was once a picture of sweet abandon was washed away into innocence. I knew she was happy.
I walked home with questions in my head. As to why she waits for the rain is unclear to me, but that doesn’t really matter. Some kids may hate or fear it, but she chose not to. What others fear was her source of happiness.
When I reached home, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I saw the little girl the second time.
When you closed that door, I knew there’s no point in waiting for you to come back. That moment, I knew there’s no you and I. I am abandoned. The room that’s full of beautiful memories of sleepless nights and long talks is suddenly alienated. The colours of rainbow desaturated into grey. I sat in one corner alone, looking at my silhouette reflected on the window, wishing I could pretend that my fate hasn’t damaged me yet. The damages I see in my half-bruised body, some of which are painted on my neck sending flashbacks of your passionate kisses.
One night, you showed up in front of me and caught my eyes as we stare. When I saw the shimmer in your eyes, I swore it was love. That was one moment that I knew you are everything I never allowed myself to love. That time, I set aside my fears except for one; that you would feel the fear I set aside.
But how perverse can it be that before I could touch your chest with mine, I figured, it’s another one of my illusions? That one night wasn’t real, and you only appeared in my dream which felt so real.
So I found myself again seated in one corner alone, looking at my silhouette reflected on the window, wishing I would dream about you again as I force myself to sleep. The music has faded, as the rest of the world’s volume turned down. Slowly, I closed my eyes. I wouldn’t bother dreaming a million times more, and I wouldn’t bother waking up anymore.
Like an orchid hanging in a small and empty room, with no water to absorb, and no fresh air to breathe, I am left alone. The seedlings you planted but refused to watch to grow; once, they bloom into beautiful flowering plants, but now they struggle to be alive. The greenhouse is gone. And all that’s left is weed that you only see when getting high seems like a need.
the night is dark the music played we stood still we’re both afraid but this is all we got this timing we barely had now is all I ask don’t pull away, don’t pull away as we dream tonight
come closer, come here look me in the eye is it not clear that this is not a lie don’t pull away not soon, not now now is the day our bodies allow dear, your sweet smile and your eyes that glow the tender snuggles, the hands in chest the hands so eager to undress I can get drunk in the taste of your tongue I’ll drown in you, I’ll be forever young
your soft little voice that makes me high telling me to push my hand against your thigh no, don’t stop don’t pull away, you’re mine tonight
push your lips against mine as I travel through your soul the passion in every gasp thrilled to reach the hole We are entwined I am enthralled your pounding breath caresses my neck the power in our fingertips stroking each others lips hypnotic are your screams that echo in my ears don’t pull away, don’t pull away just erase all fears
the night is so dark that we even barely see the next day the dogs will bark will we remember how we’re free? I love you yes I do I love you, that’s what I feel a love that’s true but can’t be real
tonight is all we got the timing that once we had none secures, but it’ll be fine so don’t pull away, for once, you’re mine.
The sadness I feel fuels my engine to write about things I’m unable to tell you. And this is what I want to tell you…
I hate you. I hate how you make me hopeful by the things you say to me and take them back as if everything could be back to normal with one undo. I hate how I love to be hurt when someone surrounds you. I hate how I rejoice in pain when it seems like to you, I don’t matter. Even if I am just someone who passes by, I still delight in your presence. I hate how you show up for one day, and disappear whenever you wish. I hate it all the more how I still wait for you to show up, even if I know that you’ll disappear yet again. And I hate how even if I am ignored by you many times over, I still can’t hate you because I don’t have you.
I want you. I want to touch your hair and feel its smoothness in my hand. I want to look into your eyes for a bit long because I’ve never looked at you for more than a second. I am scared of the sight of you looking away telling me that I’m unseen. I want to wrap you in my arms and feel the warmth of your body which I deeply long for. I want to breathe the air you breathe, and feel the same breeze amidst the same smog. I want to listen to you when you’re not even speaking, and hear what only I could hear. I want my lips to gently touch yours and ignore the world for at least once.
I love you. I love how I feel like bullshit to you. I love how I remember completely the look on your face when you’re smiling even if I know that I’m not the reason behind it. I love how I tell myself that I won’t like you and end up liking you more. I love the bullshits you write and the bullshits you say, no matter how wickedly bullshit these are to me. I love how you’ve given me too many bullshits for me not to fall in love. But I already am in love with you, I love your bullshits anyhow.
I hate how I want to tell you that I love you… and I hate that I can’t.
I am still waiting for the day that I don’t hate myself for not telling you so because I did.
But at the moment, I’ll just write hoping one day I am read.
I guess this is how it will work for me. And this is the bullshit I won’t understand.
I guess it’s safe to say that you don’t know me, and you probably never will.
And I can honestly say that I don’t know you. I wish I do. I want to know you. I want to hear the deepest set goals of your heart, and be there with you while you achieve it. I want to feel your pain every moment I catch your eyes in sorrow. I want to laugh with you, and see you smile first thing in the morning. I want to be the reason why you’re happy. I want to know what you’re afraid of, and be with you while you fear, find courage in me, with me. I want to spend my days with you and travel the world while I hold your hand. I will not demand anything from you unless your eyes beg for it. I want you. And I want you to want me too.
But that seems impossible. You don’t know me. You only see me in my dreams, in the pictures I paint in my mind. The pictures of you and me that whenever I see, I can’t help but hope that one day it will work out between us. You know, I wish I could tell you every word my heart is longing for you to hear. I guess I am that fearful. I am so afraid of you. I am so scared to lose you when I don’t even have you. Maybe one day, I will. But until then, I will wait no matter how long it’ll take just to know that I will have you… if I will have you.
For now, you don’t see me, and I have to live with it even if I am in love with you.
Every word you chose to say Axes my heart in two Every line that caused you pain grieves me even if untrue.
Doesn’t matter how long it’s been, or if dusk has shifted to dawn. I sense you deep down my skin even if all your angst has gone.
Ten or more years have passed, yet your misery lingers on me. When I thought your world has crushed, I realized it’s treating you fairly.
My tears unite with your distress, your passion unearthed your beauty. Whatever caused you emptiness; It captured my heart so quickly.
Your poetry is all I have; enough to see your shadow. Is it possible to fall in love the moment I felt your sorrow?
• Video Post
STRUCK: A short film about Love at First Sight
This film is not about love at first sight.
This is about staying in love with the person you just broke up with.
He fell in love with the girl represented by the “love at first sight” scene.
The arrow represents the pain of breaking up.
Notice how it seemed like he was hurt at first, it was the initial pain of breaking up. Yet, at some point, the arrow seemed not to hurt him anymore, so he continued to live his life. Still, his broken-heartedness—represented by the arrow, stayed with him all the time—at his workplace, at the shop, at the beach…
He can’t stop thinking about the person he just broke up with. Hence, the flashback of the girl when he had “love at first sight”. See how gloomy the eating scene was. It represents depression. So his friend gave him numbers of girls he could date to sort of move on.
Now, look how different these girls are. The first girl is someone who seems perfect, but you just don’t have the connection. The second girl is someone who doesn’t like commitments, the third girl is someone who looks at your physical appearance, and the fourth girl is obviously the brainless bitch.
At one point, he decided not to chase love or find love elsewhere. This is represented when he declined the last picture his friend was giving him.
And just when he was about moving on, he met the girl again. The girl who managed to hurt him is the same girl who can take the arrow or the pain out of his system.
Therefore, this is not about love at first sight. Not about meeting the person the first time and kissing. Not about lust. This is about second chances (well at least to me).
What about the cupid? It just means someone is in charge :)
• Video Post
Gone Goodbye: A short film
This is how I think:
The world is crowded enough to find my own space. I couldn’t fit in. I am not happy and I could not lie to myself anymore that one day this sadness will pass.
Like a balloon, I am drifting. My mind has left my body. And my emotions ran away from me, I couldn’t chase it.
I found myself in a deserted place, alone. And at one point, I managed to smile. I think this is where I’ll find my happiness. I couldn’t be in the world anymore.
Like a balloon, I want to fly away, be drifted to a place elsewhere. Something is holding me back though, as if someone is controlling my strings.
But then I exploded. I gave up. I am dead to this world before I noticed the larger picture—an even deadlier world. I had been lost alone, and there’s no turning back.