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I am Kace, and I don't think it matters.

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In the Water, I Can Breathe.

I woke up from my sleep as I choke under the sheets.
I stood up, opened the window and felt no wind on my skin.
I went out to the woods and stared at the dark bluish sky.
Nothing I can see but the form of a doubting troubled eye.

I sighed. I gasped. I tried to catch my breath.
But every air is gone, as if there is really none.

I’m strangled. I throttled. I trembled down my spine
I run and I tried to escape,
This awful life I couldn’t take.

There I was, so alone in the woods
With doubts in my mind, there I stood

Then I saw a flowing river
I wheeze as I reach the water
I felt its breeze that comforted me
I drowned myself but then I see
Under the water, there is life
In the water, that’s my life.

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I see clearly with eyes closed

I close my eyes, and let my fingers move. I am not sure if what I am writing is aligned. Maybe words overlap, I don’t know. My eyes are close so I can see you clear. With music of happiness to my ears, I try to find you. My heart pounds as I feel you. Tears are starting to build up for I am happy, I am thankful. One moment of everyday, I will close my eyes, find you, and write with candour. Let my fingers speak for my heart with eyes closed so I can see clearly. And so I may declare, I am happy. I am thankful.

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What’s your dream worth?

Do you really have a dream?

I once believe that everyone has dreams, that everyone aims something, wants something to achieve. But thinking about it, I guess I was wrong.

Personally, I dream about a lot of things. I dream of being everyone else in the world because I dream of having to experience the experiences of others, so I can write about them first-hand. I know I can’t be everyone, so I just try to be with anyone, instead. Other than that, I have bigger dreams, so big that I don’t know where to begin. Sometimes, I get discouraged. At one point I let go.

Then I realized, if we let go of our dreams, what’s the point of dreaming? If we know we can’t achieve them, and we lose hope, then what is it for us? Is it just a sort of procrastination? 

One day, I was told by a colleague, "If you dream, make your dream so big to the fact that you can’t achieve it, so that you will depend on God."

She was right, coz if we dream something that we know we can achieve, then that’s not a dream after all. Therefore, not everyone actually really has dreams.

I was encouraged that no matter how big my dreams are, and how little I can do, I have a God that’s bigger than all things combined.

Yes, I may be ordinary, but I have an extraordinary God.

So dream on and DREAM BIG!

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I’m Not There Yet

You know how good it is to pray for someone? How good it is on your part… How overwhelming?

Back in Highschool, I used to be someone who does not care at all. If there is God, if there isn’t, what’s the point? I am going to die anyway and whatever happens after death is something I am not bound to know. Yes, I was agnostic. And I remember already writing about it before.

However, sometimes in a person’s life, it does not have to take a near-death experience just to have a life-changing occasion. I was not diagnosed of any disease, nor was I hit by a truck. I didn’t wake up one day realizing how useless my life was. No. I was only invited to attend a Christian service, but it wasn’t overnight that I cared about a god.

It was seven years. It took me seven years of hearing the word of God, before I finally cared, and believed. And it’s not over yet, not even halfway. I’m not there yet. But now I know in my heart and mind, that the God I believe in and serve now is the only true God. And He is faithful.

I have a friend whom I have been talking for a couple of weeks about her life and problems. I have been giving her worldly advices for days, but she is still suffering from the same scenario that keeps her depressed. It was only this morning that I get to pray for her. I did not know why I did it only now, but I did. And after that, she cried and felt better. She was very thankful because she told me that for the past few days, nothing felt good, until I prayed for her. Surely, it was God who touched her. It was God who made her feel loved and special.

My God is so true and faithful that he can heal emotional sufferings. Praying for my friend felt good, even if she told me that she was not used to me praying. She felt good as well, and I am overwhelmed with what God can do. If he can heal emotional pains, what else can’t he do? I am not there yet, but I am excited for more of God, aren’t you?

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A short clip of my Love Story – Trust

Trust plays a big role in every relationship. One without it will surely break apart. Many relationships fail because of insecurities. It is failing to trust one another. You hate it when you are not trusted even if you are doubtful if you can really be trusted. You hate doubting him and you hate being doubted. You doubt, he doubts. It is because you fail to trust. He fails to trust you.

But this is how mine goes. I trust him. I can say with confidence that I trust him. I really do. How much? How well? That, I don’t know. I said I trust him, I know I do, but I always fail to entrust him everything, not even most. He said it will be fine, but I am rather anxious. He said he will take care of it, but I am rather cynical. He said he will do it, but because I am uncertain, I would do it instead, not waiting for him to do it, not letting him do what he says he would, when he would.

And then, here I am again. I am not trustworthy. I fail many times, most of the times. He knows about my lying, cheating, and stealing… He knows me too well, but he still trusts me. I don’t know why, I’ve yet to discover. All I know is…. that’s how much he loves me. That’s a short clip of my love story.

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A short clip of my Love Story – Faithfulness

Ever wonder when and where in the world will you find the man who will be completely faithful to you till the end? You may be wanting that kind of man for years, but on second thought, are you even as faithful as you want the man to be?

Lies, discontentment, disobedience, temptation, <insert word here>… Any of these things makes one unfaithful. What would you do? Push him to turn away from them? Let them control? Can they? Until when? When he falls short, you ask yourself what was lacking. Was it passion, connection, compatibility? Or was it love? It is depressing to think that your man might not actually love you as much as you require…

But it is even more depressing on my part.

I know a man who loves me beyond compare. He would provide everything I basically need may it be food, money, house. Everything. He promises me a lot of things that sometimes sound too good to be true. He promises me all the things everyone would want. Some of which he made come true, some are still waiting, and none he broke. He is so good to me. He loves me. But I was the problem.

I was unfaithful. I lied, I am not contented, I disobeyed, and I am tempted. All these I know would break his heart. Despite knowing how much he loves me, I still managed to fail him. I am the problem of this relationship. I break his heart many times in a day and I wonder how he fixes it back. I tear his heart everyday but he was and is so strong. He still loves me even with his broken heart.

I failed and I continue to fail him. But even when I am unfaithful, he remains faithful to me. That’s how much he loves me. That’s a short clip of my love story.

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What Love Really is…

It’s been years already since the last time I really blogged about Love. You can see from my previous posts that what I think of love varies depending on my emotions or my inspiration as some of my friends ask me to write and relate to their love life situations.

Reading back, I realized that my views had somehow changed.

I used to think that love always fails. It is temporary, and we have to enjoy it as soon as it lasts.

We became pessimists with love not because love fails but because we failed to see what love really means. Love has been misrepresented by the world and the people living in it tend to misinterpret the meaning.  It is not just about affection or adoration. It is not pleasure or happiness; it is not the feeling of euphoria or seventh heaven. Not finding joy in caring, and not finding delight in being cared after. A love like these is shallow.

Love means being hurt many times over but you are still joyful thinking about loving more. It is being rejected and still loving. It is being rejected once more, twice more or even a hundred times more but still you do not love less. It is being offended but nothing changes. It is about loving despite knowing every lapses of the heart. It is about sacrifice. Not just sacrificing for the one who loves you but also for those who do not. This is love. It is never shallow.

2000 years ago, a Father sacrificed his only son for people who are against him. A man died for us on the cross despite how much we had taken him for granted. He chose to save us. He loves us even if we reject him over and over and over. That’s what love really is. It is unfailing, it is undying, and it lasts beyond a lifetime.

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Hope on the Other Side: Thoughts On Leaving the Philippines

Fly out. It has been a common option for Filipinos to fly out if situations in the Philippines get bad. For whatever reason, some simply just have no other choice but to leave this country “for good.”

Whether they just graduated, or they can’t find a job, or they have a job but with insufficient salary; they have all the reasons to leave.

Why is that so? Most Filipinos leave the Philippines thinking there are better opportunities outside of it. Is this country really hopeless? Is this country doomed not to be blessed?

I always tell my friends never to settle for less. I always tell them that if you are going to be enslaved by other countries, why not choose to be slave in your own? Why not choose where you really belong? Is it because of the value of currencies? Many Filipino doctors sacrifice their professions to be nurses or caregivers abroad. Many teachers leave to be housemaids. Why? Do we value money too much, more than we value our lives? Do we really have to sacrifice our white-collars?

Many Pinoy maids abroad take good care of others’ children. They will fly far away, with the Philippines and their own children left behind. You left them because you want a “bright future" for them. You are thinking that only a Dollar or a Pound can give them that. If the Philippine Peso has emotions, it could have left us instead.

I surely believe that what our children need more than any is the presence of their parents; for them not only to be told that they are loved, or not only to be shown of material things as a symbol of love. Not of being given food, but being fed. Not of being provided of education, but being taught. Not of being given money or gadgets on their birthdays, but being with the one who gives them. What if they rebel? What if they get lost because you are not there to guide them to begin with? Then, is leaving the country really is “for good?”

The problem is that we look too closely on small details. We see only the mistakes, the misfortunes. We tend to omit the sight of a completely larger picture. We forget that our God is not only in the United States. Not only in Dubai or in Saudi Arabia. He is everywhere and He is huge; definitely bigger than our problems. If God is with you, anywhere you are, you will be blessed. Even if you are in Manila, or Cebu, or Davao you will be blessed. Hope is not from other countries. Hope is from God and we only have to grab it to see what is huge. Hope is here. There is hope in this country and we don’t have to go to the other side to find it.

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On the New Sign: Ophiuchus

A lot has been talking about this new Zodiac Sign  Ophiuchus  and how their zodiacs has changed. What’s the matter with that? Will this even affect us?

Do we rely on the formation of the stars? Do we believe that the constellations describe who we are? Let’s say your former zodiac tells you that you like to love people, and because the zodiacs have changed and tells you now that you like to hate. Would you really be that kind of person?

The addition of this new Zodiac Sign is a manifestation that everything changes and God is the only one who does not.

Let us not put faith in constellations and stars but to the One who created them. Follow God, not the horoscope.

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Was I a social drinker? Not at all.

Back then, Tequila was my bestfriend and vodka was my lover. I only consume hard drinks and no beer. And yes, I once used to be an alcoholic.  I loved alcohol too much that I started to love myself less. How did it ever start?

It was in my 3rd Year of Highschool when I started finding friends to drink with me occasionally. In my second year of College, I found alcoholic buddies whom I just met in an alcoholic bar. I have hated weekends for not being able to see these friends of mine.  I even hated it more for having no allowance at all for me to spare on alcohol. Every after school, I would normally take a couple of shots, but not until my 3rd year.  It was when I started to cry for more alcohol. 

That time, I spent every lunch break drinking.  I would usually skip classes just to drink. I would come to class drunk and managed to hide it. I bring atleast two bottles of vodka in school, and they were mine alone. Alcohol was my water. I drank even while riding a public vehicle. Ofcourse I would spend after classes drinking till dawn. Every 6PM, I feel something weird. I feel like as if I want to just walk out and get some alcohol whether I’m in school, at home or anywhere else. I cry every 6PM if I don’t have one.  During my internship, I was tasked to edit a video and it took longer than usual. It was already 6 in the evening and my body needed alcohol.  I burst in anger in front of my supervisor.  I called my drinking friends and I heard them drunk and I started to cry. It wasn’t anything like drama, tears just poured without my control.

At home if I’m not too drunk yet, I will drink alone. I wake up every morning thinking how I got home the night before.  I always wondered where I always get my half bruised body. And wondered if what my friends are telling me about what I did were true. I will see people thinking it was the first time I met them and see myself insanely wondered how they know me too well.  Later I will realize that I have met them indeed, but I just could not remember.  There were times when I found myself sleeping in comfort rooms, staircases, sidewalks, cars, etc and I used to find it normal. I would always bring extra clothes with me so I can sneak out of the school and into the bar. And I would change back to my uniform while I’m in a public transport going home. I was hospitalized twice of dehydration because of throwing up too much.  But after I was released from the hospital, I went straight to the bar for more reasons to be hospitalized. That was some of the stupid things I did because of alcohol.

First, I used to drink because I only wanted to be cool, but later I drink because it’s what my mind and body’s longing for.  And no, it was not good. It aint cool. Not at all.

It was bad for my health, my studies, my reputation, my future. Bad for my entire life and yours as well. It can ruin life and it changes your way of thinking. And I am writing now because I had been there and I don’t want you to be there as well.

My drinking buddies? Some were involved in car accidents, some in riots and fistfights. Most girls got pregnant and failed to finish school. And some are still in the same spot where I was, having their lives ruined even more.

Looking back, I can’t think of any reason how I stopped. But it came out naturally. It was not from my own effort. God changed me from the inside out. It was because of Jesus. It was because I am loved and I’m thankful to that. And I know, you too will have your lives back. You too will be saved and be born again.



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