I am Kace, and I don't think it matters.
I woke up from my sleep as I choke under the sheets.
I stood up, opened the window and felt no wind on my skin.
I went out to the woods and stared at the dark bluish sky.
Nothing I can see but the form of a doubting troubled eye.
I sighed. I gasped. I tried to catch my breath.
But every air is gone, as if there is really none.
I’m strangled. I throttled. I trembled down my spine
I run and I tried to escape,
This awful life I couldn’t take.
There I was, so alone in the woods
With doubts in my mind, there I stood
Then I saw a flowing river
I wheeze as I reach the water
I felt its breeze that comforted me
I drowned myself but then I see
Under the water, there is life
In the water, that’s my life.
I close my eyes, and let my fingers move. I am not sure if what I am writing is aligned. Maybe words overlap, I don’t know. My eyes are close so I can see you clear. With music of happiness to my ears, I try to find you. My heart pounds as I feel you. Tears are starting to build up for I am happy, I am thankful. One moment of everyday, I will close my eyes, find you, and write with candour. Let my fingers speak for my heart with eyes closed so I can see clearly. And so I may declare, I am happy. I am thankful.
Fly out. It has been a common option for Filipinos to fly out if situations in the Philippines get bad. For whatever reason, some simply just have no other choice but to leave this country “for good.”
Whether they just graduated, or they can’t find a job, or they have a job but with insufficient salary; they have all the reasons to leave.
Why is that so? Most Filipinos leave the Philippines thinking there are better opportunities outside of it. Is this country really hopeless? Is this country doomed not to be blessed?
I always tell my friends never to settle for less. I always tell them that if you are going to be enslaved by other countries, why not choose to be slave in your own? Why not choose where you really belong? Is it because of the value of currencies? Many Filipino doctors sacrifice their professions to be nurses or caregivers abroad. Many teachers leave to be housemaids. Why? Do we value money too much, more than we value our lives? Do we really have to sacrifice our white-collars?
Many Pinoy maids abroad take good care of others’ children. They will fly far away, with the Philippines and their own children left behind. You left them because you want a “bright future" for them. You are thinking that only a Dollar or a Pound can give them that. If the Philippine Peso has emotions, it could have left us instead.
I surely believe that what our children need more than any is the presence of their parents; for them not only to be told that they are loved, or not only to be shown of material things as a symbol of love. Not of being given food, but being fed. Not of being provided of education, but being taught. Not of being given money or gadgets on their birthdays, but being with the one who gives them. What if they rebel? What if they get lost because you are not there to guide them to begin with? Then, is leaving the country really is “for good?”
The problem is that we look too closely on small details. We see only the mistakes, the misfortunes. We tend to omit the sight of a completely larger picture. We forget that our God is not only in the United States. Not only in Dubai or in Saudi Arabia. He is everywhere and He is huge; definitely bigger than our problems. If God is with you, anywhere you are, you will be blessed. Even if you are in Manila, or Cebu, or Davao you will be blessed. Hope is not from other countries. Hope is from God and we only have to grab it to see what is huge. Hope is here. There is hope in this country and we don’t have to go to the other side to find it.
Trust plays a big role in every relationship. One without it will surely break apart. Many relationships fail because of insecurities. It is failing to trust one another. You hate it when you are not trusted even if you are doubtful if you can really be trusted. You hate doubting him and you hate being doubted. You doubt, he doubts. It is because you fail to trust. He fails to trust you.
But this is how mine goes. I trust him. I can say with confidence that I trust him. I really do. How much? How well? That, I don’t know. I said I trust him, I know I do, but I always fail to entrust him everything, not even most. He said it will be fine, but I am rather anxious. He said he will take care of it, but I am rather cynical. He said he will do it, but because I am uncertain, I would do it instead, not waiting for him to do it, not letting him do what he says he would, when he would.
And then, here I am again. I am not trustworthy. I fail many times, most of the times. He knows about my lying, cheating, and stealing… He knows me too well, but he still trusts me. I don’t know why, I’ve yet to discover. All I know is…. that’s how much he loves me. That’s a short clip of my love story.
Ever wonder when and where in the world will you find the man who will be completely faithful to you till the end? You may be wanting that kind of man for years, but on second thought, are you even as faithful as you want the man to be?
Lies, discontentment, disobedience, temptation, <insert word here>… Any of these things makes one unfaithful. What would you do? Push him to turn away from them? Let them control? Can they? Until when? When he falls short, you ask yourself what was lacking. Was it passion, connection, compatibility? Or was it love? It is depressing to think that your man might not actually love you as much as you require…
But it is even more depressing on my part.
I know a man who loves me beyond compare. He would provide everything I basically need may it be food, money, house. Everything. He promises me a lot of things that sometimes sound too good to be true. He promises me all the things everyone would want. Some of which he made come true, some are still waiting, and none he broke. He is so good to me. He loves me. But I was the problem.
I was unfaithful. I lied, I am not contented, I disobeyed, and I am tempted. All these I know would break his heart. Despite knowing how much he loves me, I still managed to fail him. I am the problem of this relationship. I break his heart many times in a day and I wonder how he fixes it back. I tear his heart everyday but he was and is so strong. He still loves me even with his broken heart.
I failed and I continue to fail him. But even when I am unfaithful, he remains faithful to me. That’s how much he loves me. That’s a short clip of my love story.
Back then, Tequila was my bestfriend and vodka was my lover. Although I don’t drink beer, hard liquor has always been in my body all the time. And yes, I once used to be an alcoholic. I loved alcohol too much that I started to love myself less. How did it ever start?
During my second year in College, I had alcoholic buddies whom I just met in an alcoholic bar which is just a few meters away from school. I have hated weekends for not being able to see these friends of mine. Every after school, I would normally take a couple of shots. To be honest, my “getting drunk” was actually because I was depressed when someone I love left. So getting drunk was my way of getting that person’s attention. But not until my 3rd year. It was when I started to cry for more alcohol not to get attention, but because I felt that I needed it.
That time, I spent every lunch break drinking. I would usually skip classes just to drink which starts at 10 in the morning. I would come to class drunk and managed to hide it. I bring at least two bottles of vodka in school, and they were mine alone. Alcohol was my water. I drank even while riding a public vehicle. Of course I would spend after classes drinking till dawn. Every 6 PM, I feel something weird. I feel like as if I want to just walk out and get some alcohol regardless of where I am. I cry every 6 PM if I don’t have one. During my internship, I was tasked to edit a video and it took longer than usual. It was already 6 in the evening and my body needed alcohol. I burst in anger in front of my supervisor. I called my drinking friends and I heard them drunk and I started to cry. It wasn’t anything like drama, tears just poured without my control.
At home if I’m not too drunk yet, I will drink alone. I wake up every morning thinking how I got home the night before. I always wondered where I always get my half bruised body. And wondered if what my friends are telling me about what I did were true. I will see people thinking it was the first time I met them and see myself insanely wondered how they know me too well. Later, I will realize that I have met them indeed, but I just could not remember. There were times when I found myself sleeping in comfort rooms, staircases, sidewalks, cars, etc and I used to find it normal. I would always bring extra clothes with me so I can sneak out of the school and into the bar. And I would change back to my uniform while I’m in a public transport going home. I was hospitalized twice for dehydration because of throwing up too much. But after I was released from the hospital, I went straight to the bar for more reasons to be hospitalized. That was some of the stupid things I did because of alcohol.
My drinking buddies? Some were involved in car accidents, some in riots and fistfights. Most girls got pregnant and failed to finish school. And some are still in the same spot where I was, having their lives ruined even more.
Looking back, I can’t think of any reason how it stopped. It just did… so suddenly.